Whear’s Bill…Part 2

Posted on August 12, 2009

Ok, here I set in front of my keyboard, staring at it like somehow it should read my mind and start typing all by it’s self, pouring out all of my feelings on to the screen for the entire world to see and marvel at. I don’t even know what my feelings are most of the time. If there is one thing about me that is constant, it is that nothing is constant. Unless you consider the fact that I change my mind constantly (or not.) I never know from one minute to the next how I will feel about what is happening to me. Because it’s constantly changing! The problem is that I know, that I don’t know, what’s happening to me and that makes me a little crazy sometimes. It’s like being out of control all of the time. You see my dilemma? That’s insane! Most of the time, the only way I can deal with that, is to simply not care what’s happening. I am fully aware that I could change anything that is happening around me simply by acting on, or reacting to, whatever I want to change. But not without consequences, that’s right my Son, not without consequences! So for the most part, I just stand still and let things happen all around me. Kind of like a stone in the riverbed. The water comes and goes and brings with it all kinds of stuff. Sometimes the water is clean and pure and I can see everything that’s happening all around me and I am able to make clear choices about how I feel about what I see and if I want to get evolved or not. Sometimes the water so is polluted and so dirty I can hardly see at all and I become unable to make any decisions about anything, for fear (that’s right, Fear) of creating the wrong consequences. Having been unaware, before awareness crept in (hmmmmm…when did that happen?) that fear itself creates a fearful consequences, I just waited for the water to clear up. It may take a while but eventually it will all settle down. Of course there is no telling where I will be what state of mind I will find myself in when the flood recedes. I may have been washed several miles from where I was and I may not recognize anything but that’s ok. I still exist and I can still perceive everything around me and I did after all, create the adventure. And the adventure of being washed down stream! Wow, what a ride! I love adventure. It is the joy in my life!
By now you are pretty sure that I am quit insane and rightly so I suppose, but that’s the way my life has been up to now. Resist as I may, change comes anyway. Somehow I just don’t seem to get it right. All of the adventures I’ve had (and believe me, there have been a few!) just don’t seem to fulfill my desires. It just never seems to turn out like I had envisioned it. (A lack of vision perhaps?) It might be cool to be able to read all about myself as if my life were a fiction paperback adventure book and I was the star of the adventure, the hero who wins all of his battles, gets all the money and ends up with the girl. And why not! Life is after all, of our own design, a made to order adventure, and best of all, its interactive! We get to change the script in any way we want, at any time we want and as many times as we want! It’s called creating! As we know, everything we create will have consequences, so why not just cut to the chase and create a consequence! Sound too simple? “Seek ye first the kingdom of Heaven (the greatest version of the grandest vision you ever had) and all these things will be added unto you.” I AM That I AM at any given moment. I cannot change that which I am, for what else would I be? I can however, change how I perceive who I am and with greater perception comes understanding. Perceive, believe, and receive. Now that I have mentally spanked myself into submission, I would say to God… Lord, thank you for indulging us the opportunity to express ourselves in this life as Bill Saathoff, brother to the Son and heir to the Kingdom. May a Vail of protection encompass him and protect him from himself while he remembers who we are and why we are here in the now. May he accept the courage within him to let his grandest vision, that God, the source, is in us all, explode into reality sending ripples of truth cascading through the portals of forever.  
Amen

Last edited by Wild bill on August 12, 2009, 10:14 pm


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3 responses to Whear’s Bill…Part 2

  1. QuoteOk, here I set in front of my keyboard, staring at it like somehow it should read my mind and start typing all by it’s self, pouring out all of my feelings on to the screen for the entire world to see and marvel at. I don’t even know what my feelings are most of the time.

    That’s interesting. Well, one concept/style of writing that interests me a lot is ‘stream of consciousness’. Essentially, that dynamic emotional state of flux and mental change-change-change you refer to, is a more accurate portrayal of the way Man’s mind works. It is however, hard to convey in writing.

    In Ratatouille "The House on the Hill"  (http://www.writersharbor.org/work_view.php?work=100) I experimented with one style of this. Deliberately swopping from one theme to another, to strike a contrast which is harsh, borderline nonsensical.

    In painting, we have the impressionists, who also try and portray their life as everything but static. Their paintings (Monet as an example) try to convey movement and dynamism.

    So you are setting yourself a tough challenge, if you want to convey to your reader the intensity, the challenge, the excitement, as well as the inherent dangers… of pouring "life" onto that computer screen.

    How-ever… it is exciting. As writers, we create. I’m not saying my novel "Jeremy’s War" is a good work. That is for the reader to judge. But I will say that having ‘created’ the character Jeremy, I can "see" him and "hear" him as he talks and walks.
    I would love to write a sequel, and some of those scenes are already "real" in my mind.

    So… you must stick to your guns, and face that computer screen with courage and confidence, Mister Bill.

    You-can-write…

  2. QuoteBy now you are pretty sure that I am quite insane and rightly so I suppose, but that’s the way my life has been up to now. Resist as I may, change comes anyway. Somehow I just don’t seem to get it right. All of the adventures I’ve had (and believe me, there have been a few!) just don’t seem to fulfill my desires.

    Naaa, yer not insane – believe me, I know what I say.

    It’s interesting that you feel yerself powerless against life and unfulfilled, though.

    QuoteIt just never seems to turn out like I had envisioned it. (A lack of vision perhaps?) It might be cool to be able to read all about myself as if my life were a fiction paperback adventure book and I was the star of the adventure, the hero who wins all of his battles, gets all the money and ends up with the girl.

    I don’t think that’s what ya really want at all – maybe what you think others would perceive you should want…if it was, why aren’t ya writing the story thata way – in yer mind, ya can make it any way ya want, see?  I think when you look at the whole – not just the parts – you must be pretty damn satisfied with the way it has been.

    Now, please get to telling us more about it and quit being chicken of what we will think of you when you know that, by now, you’re not really worried about that, are ya?

    Did Moggy ferget to tell ya that I am an unrepentent cheeky one?
    That’s rich…

  3. OK! Here it comes. Do ya want it all at once, or chapter at a time? I think chapter at a time.
    There is some "Bill Bashing" but I am proud of myself to have survied and for the most part, overcome what was, and is, a chalenging life. The "book" is a work in progess, but it is my intention to wrap this one up by 02/10/2010.

    And THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS!

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